The Common Question
Thursday, December 27th 2007 @ 12:24 PM (not yet rated)
The Common Question…
In talking to women everywhere, one of the predominant questions that comes up is a variation on “How can I get my husband/kids/parents to do what I want them to? It can be anything from “How can I get him to do housework?” to “How can I make my kids have the values they should have?” It could also be stated as “How can I control them and get them to do what I want or think the way that I do?” Congratulations, if you have ever had these thoughts. At least you know what YOU want!
I used to say this about my husband all the time…I wished he would become the person I imagined I would be married to! I tried and tried to get him to change. I moaned to my friends about what I had to put up with. If only he could live up to all of my very important expectations and be perfect in every way.
By now you are noticing all the I in this thinking. My poor husband, I was totally focused on my opinions and of course I was always right. He never had a chance because he could never live up to my standards. And this went on for years. It caused both of us to make up stories about each other that we lived into. We all make up our life stories and make ourselves look like the hero. I was the one who always had to be responsible with money and I made up a story that he was irresponsible. His story about me was that I was too work driven and serious…he and his friends jokingly called me “the cure for fun”. And it became the self fulfilling prophecy…no matter how hard he tried, he would never be right for me. He was a choice I made when I was 18 and now I had evolved into this new enlightened woman!
The aha moment came when I shifted my thinking and my perspective. It happened quickly as do all epiphanies and I got out of my egotistical way of being. I started to write down as part of my gratitude journal all the things that I liked about him and all the good qualities he had. I told him that I stopped blaming him for things that had happened and asked him to forgive me for be a judging, righteous, B____, (well, you know the word). I told him the kind of relationship I would like to have. And on that day he started to treat me differently as I started to treat him differently. I started to be really happy in my marriage. After all, he was and is the right person for me. He balances me. For all of my uptight, gotta be perfect ways, he reminds me that things are not always that important and it’s good to be silly sometimes.
Don’t misunderstand; he can still push my puttons when he lets the alarm on the dryer go off continuously. But I am thankful that he does his own laundry. And now when I start to complain about him, I consciously catch myself and make a choice. Is this the way I create my life story or do I stop right now, take a deep breath, and create the life I want with my own thoughts?
Change the way you think and the world changes.
Donna Fleetwood
Coach and Beekeeper
